From what or where or whom do you come and how has it mattered? Do you see it in yourself still?
My mother is fond of telling me that I took so long to pop out of the womb that the climate changed. Apparently, when she went in to the hospital in later February of 1980, the weather was warm and sunny. She was sitting on the porch enjoying the afternoon when she went into labor. By the time I finally decided to make my appearance (a 36 hour ordeal she reminds me of whenever I annoy her), the weather had shifted. A few inches of snow blanketed the porch when my dad carried me into the house for the first time.
What darkness almost overwhelms you and what keeps it at bay?
If I let myself dwell on the thought that this is all my life will ever be, the world goes black. That I am not where my childhood self imagined I would be breaks my adult heart. But then my cat demands my lap for a seat, or the light shifts, and along with the light so too my perspective. The waves of darkness still come, but these days much less frequently and crest much more quickly.
When do you feel most alive?
Walking, by myself, down a busy city street in the early afternoon. The world is alive, and so am I.
From what have you managed to free yourself?
Drug addiction and chronic depression, both born of imbalances in my brain chemistry. Better living through CHEMISTRY!
What do you hold on to and/or what won't let you go?
The past. We're locked in a Mexican stand-off, my past and I.
What dream do you remember most vividly and what message does it bear?
When I was twelve, I dreamt that James Bond and Ms Moneypenny were on a date in my crawl space in a cocktail bar staffed by Oompa Loompas. A suspicious looking Oompa Loompa snuck out a magical door, and Bond followed him through a zany, time and space bending trip, only to return to a Moneypenny unaware he had left. I think this means I watched too many movies as a kid.
Why don’t you listen to what the universe or your mind or your body or your god whispers ever more closely to you?
Because I know what it says, and I don't like the implications.
What does art do, really; what's the value of art?
Art is life. Without art, without creative expression, we are but mechanical sub-routines, playing themselves out on an organic motherboard. Art makes us people, not machines.
If you could, what gift that is impossible for you to give would you offer and to whom? Why this gift, this person?
I'd really like to be able to tell someone I love them without then making a joke to immediately undercut it. I would like to give someone the gift of my vulnerability, but I don't trust anyone not to take advantage.
Describe a person you love. How would you know them without their face?
I know my mother's voice anywhere; she sounds like my own voice in my head, you know, the way your own voice reverberates through your skull ans sinuses and never sounds to you like it does to the rest of the world? That's how my mother sounds.
How did you know you were in love and what makes you unsure of it?
When the thought of that person's absence from my life stopped me in my tracks, I knew I was in love. I got sick to my stomach with anxiety. It's only in hindsight that I ever realize that these moments are upon me.
What besides love do you doubt and what makes you doubt it?
I doubt the sincerity of authority. I've seen too many people corrupted by power to trust in systems of hierarchy anymore.
In what way have you betrayed or disappointed yourself or others? In what way have you been betrayed or disappointed?
I'm not a gambler, and my refusal to take risks (the kinds that lead either to adventure or at least one helluva story) have kept me at arm's length from those around me.
What are the parameters of your small world?
Physically, the small triangle between my home, my office, and my family's, but my imagination's huge and spans universes.
Why aren’t you more involved in trying to better the world of others?
I don't have money to make significant charitable donations, so I do as many little, everyday things as I can. But because I am also a creature of routine, I am rarely confronted with new opportunities. I don't give myself the chance to live outside of my comfort zone.